So you meet him/her let’s say, in your class taking one of your lectures and you glance away bored and wishing the years will roll by to the very last semester of your school career. One tough assignment or lecturer mishap down the line, you two become great friends. She’s beautiful; he’s handsome and has got great character and you love the kind of person he/she’s making you become and the great influence you both have on each other. School is done and dusted and life goes on with your friendship blossoming along the way and a few years down the line, you realize you want more. And that’s where your dilemma begins.
Welcome to the friend zone, baby!
Here, let me tell you what changed;
1) You want exclusive rights to this person’s time and a top spot in their list of priorities. Number one spot possibly. After their faith and beliefs, if they hold that close. And their family. And their career. You just want to be number one. Their one.
2) You want physical intimacy (I would not want to refer this to a booty call). But somehow, you realize you want more than just hugs, holding hands and the friendly PDAs’ friends are usually used to.
First things first, what the heck is the friend zone? Simply put, when you begin to have romantic feelings for a friend of yours that is not mutually felt and returned, you have been friend zoned. Why is this so bad a state or so pitiable a condition? Simply put, unrequited love is believed to be the most painful, embarrassing and hurtful of all.
She comes to ask you about the guy she is interested in and to ask for relationship advice while you are secretly pining away for her. Sadly, it’s not like you haven’t done a few things in your power to make it obvious you are interested in her in that sort of way. But somehow, she doesn’t get it. She still sees it as you having her back and being the great friend that you are. How sweet!
He asks for your advice on gift ideas for her and gladly, you offer suggestions. You suggest nice spots you wish he would take you to and suggest dinner surprises you wish he would give you some day. Somehow, you go out of your way for him but he sees it all in the friendly stride – you watching out for your best buddy. Arrrrghhhhh!!!!! Why can’t he just get it?! Because he is not a village wizard!
Okay. On a serious note, here’s my take on this friend zone thing;
1) Feelings can be fleeting; decide what you want to preserve. Spending time a lot with a particular person breeds some sort of attraction. The fact that you two are great friends have never and will not be a guarantee that they will make great partners or lovers. Think a few years or months at least down the line, do you really want a change in the nature of your friendship with this person and how does that make it better in the long run?
2) The only way to not fall into the friend zone is to make your intentions known from the very start of your relationship (in a very non-creepy and threatening way so you don’t scare the other person off too early). It’s better both parties know where both want to go with the relationship and decide if they want to sail along or not. The thing about this part is that feelings change. You can’t tell for certain that a few years down the line, your feelings for this person is bound to turn into something more romantically inclined. Don’t we all want the dating and marrying your best friend kinda situation? Anyways, if by chance this has already happened to you, I find that number three helps a lot. So…
3) Talk about it!!! With the person in question. Sometimes you realize that the feelings you have caught along the way are not as real as you imagined. And discussing it, saying it out, helps you put things in perspective and decide where you really want to be with the relationship.
4) Men are not the only ones who can be friend zoned. Let’s stop with the victim mentality feeling about the friend zone thing already. You are not entitled to a special spot or more intimacy with someone just because you are Mr. Nice Guy or Miss Most Amazing Friend of the Year. Give it a break!
5) If you would end your friendship with someone just because they didn’t feel physically attracted to you in the way you wanted, or had romantic feelings in return for yours, that sounds to me a lot like plain selling of fish!
After all is said and done, there are two, maybe three ways this pans out;
You both don’t feel the same way and let your friendship dwindle just because some romantic feelings got in the way. Like I said, I believe if you’ve built a genuine friendship with someone over a long period of time, you cannot let fleeting emotions and feelings get in the way of that, as much as you possibly can.
You both don’t feel the same way and life goes on – trust me, against popular opinion, this is actually possible.
You both feel the same way and voila! There goes your happily ever after.
Valentine day’s around the corner, and a lot of people are going to loose healthy friendships and be ”broken hearted” all in the guise of being friend zoned and friend zoning someone. The fact that a friend does not find you sexually attractive or does not see you in a romantic light is not the end of the world. Find someone who does! Here is my little unsolicited piece of advice; focus on the beauty of friendships and the companionships you share with those in your life without the pressure of titles and expectations of certain roles and states of being.
What’s your take? Have you felt friend zoned before and how did it pan out for you?